Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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