just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
