If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
