If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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