girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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