i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
