WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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