I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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