mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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