A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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