Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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