He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
