her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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