you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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