The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
