dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
