I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Terrible idea I love it
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
