Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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