The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
