Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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