Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
