Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
