on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
