I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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