ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
