I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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