im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just want nice things and good sex
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
