you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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