I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Randomize
