she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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