You just made me feel so damn special
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
