he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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