I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
