Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
