i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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