got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
