she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
