Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
