i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
