i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
