We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
