Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
