Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
