Tell her she can't have a vagina
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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