I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
