I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Please don't give away my fajitas
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
