last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
