When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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