Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
