The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
