i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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