You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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