Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
